Make you feel that you are alive...

Well life is fluent and it always changes. That's not a truth I just discovered, but when it happens, you recognize it for real. Until this happens,you just know it and knowing is not believing.

Anyway, there are several changes happening in my life and I guess I need the time to ponder about them or better to adjust. One of the things that changes, is my job. Well, at least I fear it will change and even that is not totally what I mean. You may have read about the Siemens and Nokia jointventure and well it hits me too. The only real fear I have, is that I may lose my job, but I guess you always have to fear it. On the other side, I hope it will not take place and I see reason why it shouldn't happen. But you can never be sure. My idea to cope with it, is to work harder on my knowledge. I believe in the doctrine, knowledge is everything. And there are a couple of things I wanna refresh and than get my feet wet with new topics.

Another change in my life, is that I began to hope, that my love could be answered. I had a nice date with my girlfriend. Well actually she isn't my girlfriend yet, but I guess she will become my girlfriend. I dont wanna stop fighting for her love and she told me, she would like me to have, but she fears deep in side of herself to be hurt again. I can understand such feelings, since all the girls I met so far were hurting me.

I know and she gave it away too, that there is more than just friendship between us. And I guess it's a reason to work on it, that we become lovers. She has made some real changes for me. Since I met her I become more like my former self. In the old days, so to speak, I was a charming guy who had not problems with girls. Then my ex-girlfriend hurt me like nothing before and since then I was somehow damaged. I can speak with girls and generally I get closer to them, as to men.

So I guess I'm alive and everything goes on... Let's hope everything is just getting better and better...


Some Thoughts on Writing, Inspiration & Creativity

There are times...

in which the inspiration has run dry. These days it seems that this is the reason, why nothing really worthy comes out of me. It's a shame, because normally I need this feeling of telling a story, of dreaming with words at my hands. I can feel that I miss it and in a way it's like homesickness.

Lately I started two ideas for stories and I was running out of passion. I mean I know what should happen, but I'm not excited. And now I guess I discovered the reason. My style in prose and the themes of my stories were somehow a mix of mystery and normality. Often it is about death, about doom and how to go on with life. Those stories are not the action filled thrillers that hang around on the bookshelves in the shops.

So what inspires me and why?

I guess the core of every nice story is the truth and that you could say, it could happen to you. This means I dont wanna make a story like one of the many action movies in the cinemas. That seems not to be my style. It took time to discover it, but everytime I started with something huge and just for entertainment I failed. There was my idea of a series about a vampire.

It also took me a long time to understand, that I'm not a writer of novels and I guess I'll never will be. My pleasures are nice little stories that take you away, that show you a truth and make you cry. So lets get back to it.

So far the little rambling here was just for me. But now lets turn the direction to the question of inspiration. Last time I was in cinema, watching MI-3, there was a littel spot. About a subway ticket clerk. And it was fantastic. I mean, it opened my eyes, inspired me. How many people do we meet in life or are passing by, who are so lonely and have a sad story to tell? How often do we bother with hobos?

In my old days, as I had a life to fear, 'cause death was right around the corner, I did think about them. But these days as my life is broad, nice and full of joy, I do not think about them anymore, until that little film.

So inspiration is about thinking, about discovering all sides of life and there is so much to find out about, but such a short span of time. There are some cool stories about Stephen King and how he got his ideas. But often its not that fantastic, it's just there. The best ideas come, when you do not seek them. And my latest two ideas were just recycled old ones, to find my way back to writing. I would say I do not have a writers block. It was just that playing World of Warcraft was cool to play and hanging around and having fun more important. But times change.

It's time to get back to writing.

Also I have found someone very special. I'm in love with her and I discover, that she brings back my old self. I mean, I was more an open mind and charming and so on. But than time changed me and now when I'm with her, I feel getting better. Can't really express what I mean.

You write, so they say, about what bothers you, what is around you and in your mind. One of my latest finished stories was about a young boy who met Alcohol as a person and who helped to scare his father from drinking. My father was a boozer, a man who was drinking and drinking and drinking. So it was more natural what I wrote. Or my story about women being beaten by men, because it happened in my neighbourhood and it scared me. So I decide I write, what I can write about and not for entertainment. I guess I never will be an entertainer, like some authors. But still I can make you believe my tales, and can move you and that's what writing should be about.

I don't care about selling a story or a book. Sure it would be cool and I had allready some little publications. So if you rad a story written by me, tell me if it was good and if it was bad, tell me too ;)


Football and the WM

Never was a Football Fan...

and I guess I'll never be. I'm not interested in this sport and yesterday was not more unusual than the other ones before. Ok, well... I had plans to view the game, but I wasn't craving for it or cheerishing. It's just, sitting somewhere, watching and drinking a glass of water or spezi, would have been cool, especially with the weather getting better. But I had to take the late shift (from 14:00 to 22:00) and so I changed my plans.

What I don't really get, is that even as Germany won the first game, I can't really understand why people here were driving around, brandishing the german flag, screaming and so on? Somehow I think it was just an excuse to get drunk and to run along the streets. But ok, Germany won; -- but hey it was the first game and not the end of the WM.

So I can say, even as the WM just started, I allready hope that they get over with it.


Telling a story...

is not easy. People might say that telling stories is easy and when I write I feel the same, but it seems not to be, like you think. See, the problem is, that I'm not the plotting type of a writer. That's also the reason why I just write short stories.

But when you start with a story, you know the road ahead is hazy. The mist is hiding the possibilities and still you have them. With my actuall project (Sweet Amber, see Badfinger's Words in Progress ) I still do not really know what it will be. But that is the fun of it. I have written several stories, which are moody and themed to a song I was listening too, as I wrote. But it's time for a change. I want to try to get back to naration; pushing the story on and on.

But how do we can narate? Here also you have so many ways! Right now I just introduce new characters, trying to open new side- plots. I'm also thinking about mixing some other story ideas into it.

But real life has no plot either. So if you wanna tell a story, I guess, it's like a puzzle. You put this in, add a new idea and so on. Right now I'm not really sure how to goon, so I will just grab for time and add some suspense. Still I don't really like where I had. So let's see where I get to.

So I deleted my latest scene, because it was just lame...


Being a book junky


is chaos sometimes, it is like an ache that is growing. What I mean by that? Well suppose you get into a book shop, just trying to find something that speaks to you. Don't you know that feeeling? Normally I just shop on Amazon, trying to find something to my need. But also when I come into a book shop, I hop to the English Book Section and from time to time I just find the right book and I wanna cary it away.

This happened to me two days ago. The book is called Dark Waters by Koji Suzuki, a japanese author. Maybe it was the cover that spoke to me an interesting tale. It shows a face in the water, looks like she's drowning like fading memories. I took the book in my hands, and somehow, even as I did not read a word, I allready knew I would take it with me. This is really scary sometimes. It is like you find someone waiting for you. I dont want to sound like a guy who is spooky, becasue I'm a sane person but I love books. I also like the feeling of the pages on your fingers, the sound of the paper as you turn it.

But let's get back to the reason I started this post. Actually it does not feel right getting a new book, when you have allready three on your nightstand to read. There are two by William Gibson (Idoru and All Tommorow's Parties) and the one I actually read (Altered Carbon by Richard Morgan) waiting to get through. And still I wanted this book. I discovered that this thin paperback was not a novel, but stories connected by the theme of water. Interesting I thought. You know, I never have gone through the pain to write a novel, because I lack the discipline. I like to write short stories, because I can see where I head to, I know that I will bring it to end. Well, to stay with the truth, I hope to make it through. But often I get carried away with new ideas or the feeling just disappeares. And this book seemed to push me on my latest efforts to get back to writing. I'm in a time, where I don't feel the urge to write something, but I guess it's back. Why would I write such an entry here then?

I leafed through the pages. Only around 300 pages, seven stories or so. I liked the idea to dive into a new world. I knew it was not science fiction or the cyberpunk I got into in the last weeks, but still it seemed the right decission to take it with me. Without bothering to read or purchased it.

And now I read the first story. I have to say I'm impressed. It makes me wanna read more and still there is the fear to reach the end so soon.

This here is about being a book junky. I know places where fans of Stephen King for instance crave for the next book. But somehow I have discovered it isn't the author that matters, it's the story. The feeling it gives to you. Reading is for me a way of active dream, of being an actor in a world you only can reach and that is what attracks me. It's the same with writing, but there are more problems, because everything that happens is your choice. Reading is more dreamlike, because you can't decide where the ride takes you.

Still the title junky does not really fit. A junky is destryong his life in the end, but reading is not destryoing your life, on the contrary. But it can bury your dreams. I mean we are not always talking about stories. Well even stories can harm you. If there is enough truth in it, you will discover things that take your innocense.

The craving for a new story comes not only because you are bored. It grows from the urge to know more about the world, to discover and to make you feel at home on this plannet. This also collides with people urging you to read books that are not good for you, or which cannot fascinate you enough. I mean in school there always were books you hated and books you liked to read. I have to say that most of the stuff you have to read is not given to you at the right time. I mean there is a time for Goethe, or Schiller and other classics. But when you are young, you may not really feel like they felt or understand what it is about. I don't considers bestseller lists as a way to find the stuff you read. It's not easy like this.

On the other hand, sometimes school brings you near to the right style and words, those that sound right for you. One of thise stories that sticks out and I do still remember as a pleasure to read was Kafka's The neighbor. It was the parannoia that fascinated me and the easy,but crisp prose. I wanted to write like him. I wanted to do what he did. I could understand that he was frightened and I also knew, that he was a lonely soul.

As I started this post I opened with the lines: "reading is chaos"... But I want to remark, life's also chaos. So if you put it together, reading is life, as both exist with the chaos of time. Well to be not so romantic. I think the urge for knowledge and dreams are a great deal of being alive. Thoughts are always browsing through our heads and books are generators for creating new thoughts. So it all comes alive. Read what you like, but read. That's all to say about this matter. Being a book junky is healthy! ;)

Welcome to Scattered Thoughts

What is this here about?

Well this here is my way to tell you about things I read, my ideas, my feelings and everything I like to ramble about. But you allready guessed something like that, dontcha? Anyway welcome to this blog of mine. Let me tell you some basic facts about me, so you know what to expect. My name is Marcel Nebeling, I'm from Germany, Bavaria and live in a small one-room apartment in Augsburg.

I'm an avid reader of many genres. I read books of Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Clive Barker, John Soul, James Hebert. I love the works of H.P. Lovecraft, but also Kafka. Actually those were the writers I chose in the young days for being 16 to 19 years. But since then my taste shifted. These days I stumble around, take what I see. To name a few authors that impressed me: William Gibson, Neal Stephenson, Haruki Murakami, Jeff Noon.

But I do also write. I have written over 40 short stories and tales, have done a great deal of lyrics, poems and so on. My poems are mostly written in english, cause there was a time, when this was the only way to express what I wanted to say. I'm a great fan of english works and I read now for more than 8 years only in english. This may seem strange for a German, but I never said I would be your typical german guy...

I have a website http://www.badfinger.badnbrain.de where you can access all my works. Since I'm also doing digital graphics art, I also would like to point you to http://badfinger.deviantart.com.

But I did not really tell you what this is about. To say the truth, I'm not sure yet. I like to write and talk and I think this blog here should be something like a secret hiding place for my thoughts and stuff I do. If you find it interesting, please leave some remarks. If not, sorry for stealing your time and good luck on your further journey through the vastness of the internet and with your life.